Oh Bill, why haven’t you called? Last year at this time – and two years ago as well – you welcomed me onto the O’Reilly Factor to discuss your all-important Earth-shattering “war.” That’s right, I used to be your worthy opponent as you fought a culture war over whether store clerks should enforce a “Merry Christmas!” message on customers, and whether evergreen trees should be called Christmas trees (as opposed to holiday trees, Hanukkah bushes, or in the style of Monty Python – shrubbery.)

But alas, November has come and gone with nary a call from you, Bill. For a while I suspected that you had decided to call a ceasefire in your war. After all, it had given an immense amount of fodder to comics throughout the land, and made you look even more foolish than you generally seem. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I read that you had taken up verbal arms again in the Christmas war … only this time your focus was on what color lights would be used in decorating government buildings. I had no idea, but you informed the public that white lights were SEC - YOU - LER (with an emphasis on the “sec”). And the true symbol of Christmas is colored lights.

Well, OK. I’ll assume that the reason I missed the part of the Christmas story in which the three wise men bring the gifts of red and green electric lights to the baby Jesus, is because I’m Jewish. I’m certain that my Christian friends and family members learned about the sacred colored lights. But I’m offended that you denigrated decorations consisting of snowflakes and penguins. I love snow. And I especially love penguins. In fact, this year, I’m hoping for a “white Christmas.” Bill, if you’d take a walk with me through freshly fallen snow under the evening street lamps in our nation’s capitol, you might notice how beautiful and perhaps dare I say it – sacred – the quiet of a snowy celebration of this beautiful solstice season can be.

Happy Humanlight to all.